Reflections
I'm not used to writing publicly with my name and I fully expect judgment. I just do not care anymore. If you do not like me, don't read this nor pretend to like me...... EVER.
I have went through a difficult divorce in the past 2 years, lost some close friends, gained friends and somewhere along the way found the true essence of myself. at 39, I'm a work in progress.
I only wish to explore what it feels like today, in this moment, to lose people that I used to share my secrets with that are gone.
My personality has led me down paths where I gave everything of myself to people and they took advantage and quite frankly I believe the term would be "spit me out once they got what they wanted from me". This meaning I was of no additional use to them. I believe in today's world people can be selfish and take what they need from another person not considering how it may make someone else feel.
I do realize people grow apart over time and that is the natural evolution of relationships. That is life and not what I mean.
I am talking about situations where your generous nature is almost used against you. Specifically, I had a friend who ended a friendship in a phone call that led to me falling to tears to the floor in almost disbelief. If I heard from that person today, I do not even know the words I would use to express what that did to me. Abandoning someone you say is a best friend in the middle of a rough patch seems quite cruel in a way but it happened to me. When I think of it... and I don't think of it that much any more because it upsets me, I still feel tears fall. There is no coming back from that. and I forgive easily. I would never forget and would fear the next call that would lead me to tears.
It's forever gone. There are things you can't take back. There are times I want to reach out and ask "why?" but I wouldn't be given an answer therefore there is no point. Sometimes I write notes on my iphone and share what my path has been since that phone call but I never send them. There isn't anything to gain from doing so because the thing is, the person does not care. a clear choice was made and I accepted it. I have never attempted to reach out because of the choice that was made.
I would gain nothing but pain by reaching out therefore I do not. Yet I don't always understand how people can be so cold, quick and toss you aside but as I stated a few days ago, one must let go to heal. So I have and am better for it.
I don't actually know what I would say if the person tried to reach out to me. The trust is forever gone and the bond broken. Yet today when thinking of this and reflecting, I found myself smiling. I remembered an afternoon I had spent with the person in a park on a warm summer day just talking about life. And I have that. I'll always have that afternoon. It may sound silly as the person pretty much broke my heart ending the friendship (completely unexpectedly) yet that summer day in that park on a blanket staring at the sky together and talking is something I will never forget. It's mine.
I have went through a difficult divorce in the past 2 years, lost some close friends, gained friends and somewhere along the way found the true essence of myself. at 39, I'm a work in progress.
I only wish to explore what it feels like today, in this moment, to lose people that I used to share my secrets with that are gone.
My personality has led me down paths where I gave everything of myself to people and they took advantage and quite frankly I believe the term would be "spit me out once they got what they wanted from me". This meaning I was of no additional use to them. I believe in today's world people can be selfish and take what they need from another person not considering how it may make someone else feel.
I do realize people grow apart over time and that is the natural evolution of relationships. That is life and not what I mean.
I am talking about situations where your generous nature is almost used against you. Specifically, I had a friend who ended a friendship in a phone call that led to me falling to tears to the floor in almost disbelief. If I heard from that person today, I do not even know the words I would use to express what that did to me. Abandoning someone you say is a best friend in the middle of a rough patch seems quite cruel in a way but it happened to me. When I think of it... and I don't think of it that much any more because it upsets me, I still feel tears fall. There is no coming back from that. and I forgive easily. I would never forget and would fear the next call that would lead me to tears.
It's forever gone. There are things you can't take back. There are times I want to reach out and ask "why?" but I wouldn't be given an answer therefore there is no point. Sometimes I write notes on my iphone and share what my path has been since that phone call but I never send them. There isn't anything to gain from doing so because the thing is, the person does not care. a clear choice was made and I accepted it. I have never attempted to reach out because of the choice that was made.
I would gain nothing but pain by reaching out therefore I do not. Yet I don't always understand how people can be so cold, quick and toss you aside but as I stated a few days ago, one must let go to heal. So I have and am better for it.
I don't actually know what I would say if the person tried to reach out to me. The trust is forever gone and the bond broken. Yet today when thinking of this and reflecting, I found myself smiling. I remembered an afternoon I had spent with the person in a park on a warm summer day just talking about life. And I have that. I'll always have that afternoon. It may sound silly as the person pretty much broke my heart ending the friendship (completely unexpectedly) yet that summer day in that park on a blanket staring at the sky together and talking is something I will never forget. It's mine.
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